That time when Amelia was angry – Like now.

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Jump, Tim.

How high, Amelia?

That’s how our relationship worked. Or at least that’s what he was told.

He believed it. He felt that to be true. He had an epiphany. The clouds parted and he saw the twinkle lights Emily placed around the pergola. This epiphany released him from guilt. It wasn’t his fault because Amelia wasn’t a good slave. Hallelujah, there’s the answer. Amelia is the reason we are shipwrecked. Amelia twisted him around her little finger, that’s why he couldn’t be the captain of his ship.

He wrote to me and said I’ve tried to accomodate you and I enabled you. You gave into your ego instead of talking. You weren’t honest, communicative and transparent.

If that’s accomodation, let me check out. There was no time to communicate. We were in constant danger and I was in constant stress mode.

I was there through all of it. I didn’t come and go as I pleased. Through the good and the bad, I stuck around. I was standing there beside him, not behind him because it was too scary behind him. I was blindsided too many times by flying objects and yes, every now and then I had to yank the wheel violently to the side to avoid a collision. But I was on the boat. That rocking leaking unstable boat. Where the fuck were you Emily? Getting a manicure? And now you whisper in his ear, turn it all around on me and make me feel bad for it. Oh, your good. But I’m better.

I was in this relationship when he was anxious, wrong, worried, stressed, over worked, underslept. I woke up to it every morning and went to bed with it every evening. I’m not the one who wrapped him around my finger. That was you sweet Emily. Little tiny cute soft spoken, Emily.

“I can’t today, I’ve had a hard life.” Yeah, you’re singing to the choir. We’ve all had a hard life. Toughen up, princess. Stick to what you agreed to one time, it’s life changing.

I have never asked that man to jump. I only asked that he do what he said he would do. I asked that he be the dominant. That he take control of the wheel. That he keep us off the rocks. That he not be reckless.

There was no consistency and he didn’t have stabilizers on his boat. It rocked from side to side and while I don’t get sea sick, I would have liked the calm he promised. He would add and subtract elements on a whim and a prayer and our navigator was a magic eight ball.

When he wasn’t in control, was I suppose to let myself to tossed onto the rocks? Would that have made me a better slave? A better submissive. When I saw we here heading for danger was I suppose to say in my sweet voice, yes Master, of course I trust you when you’re heading towards that lighthouse and you’re not the the best sailor in the bay.

Because I put my hand out to steer us from danger in our rudderless boat, I am to blame and he believed her.

There is no one I need to make amends to. I did nothing wrong. I stayed until it crashed. I’m wearing the injuries from that crash.

3 thoughts on “That time when Amelia was angry – Like now.

  1. I have so many things running through my mind when i read this ….. i have had a feeling since the beginning of your blogging but i felt i didn’t know enough to make such comments. I kept them to myself ….
    Right now i just want to say that only a fool stays aboard the Titanic. You don’t seem like a fool to me, you seem quite smart and strong … FWIW

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I didn’t know what was happening. The winds were billowing around me and the sail was pulling at the sheet wrapped carelessly around my ungloved hand. The boat was tipping, the water was spilling in, and the center board was about to surface. “When in doubt, let it out.” Let go of the sails, let them lose the wind. The boat will settle and you can take them up again from a place of stability. Know what you can do after that? Ask the member of your crew who has been out with more experienced sailors what she saw was the problem and what might be good to try. She was trying to tell me all along. Typical me made haste instead. Pulled the sheets and grabbed onto the first conclusion I could find as we sank. That wasn’t fair to Amelia.
    I wasn’t fair to Amelia.

    I became unsure, and out of my element. She was there, like always, trying to help me avoid the crash. I didn’t head her warnings or suggestions, and I blamed her for rocking a boat I made unstable. We are on the rocks assessing injuries now.

    I’m sorry I didn’t trust you, that I blamed you, and that I’ve hurt you. I hope that I can make amends for it.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are angry at the world, at Tim for being crap at this, at your dad for abandoning you, at your mom for being sick, at other girls for being mean to you and your friends for giving you ultimatums and the easy thing to do is blame me because I’m available. I’m within range and disposable.

    Yes, I’m introverted, extremely so, yes I need time to myself, you know this and facilitated it. If poly wasn’t what you wanted I would have backed off had you only said no, but you welcomed me in, led me to believe this would be great. I fell in love with both of you. You included me, encouraged me. Said you love me.

    You didn’t want it any more- okay- I get that, but both of you could have done it with decency instead of kicking me like the unwanted dog and then writing about me publicly.

    No one is perfect, Amelia, even you. I have my issues and so do you. I would have listened and we would have come to an agreement. Now we have bad blood. Now the community has crumbled. That’s on you. I’m not the wicked witch you want to paint me as. I’m just a girl who was told this would be good for me. It turned out not to be so.

    I wish you both love, I think ultimately you do belong to each other, there is life there. Heal, and with me out of the way simply love each other. I wish you both the very best in life.

    Emily

    Like

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